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Last week, I shared why “I understand what you’re going through” creates more harm than healing for grievers—how it demands emotional labor, erases uniqueness, and builds walls instead of bridges. Today, I want to show you what actually works. But first, there’s one more way “I understand” misses the mark that I’d like to address.

I’ve never considered myself athletic. Sports and disciplined workout regimes were for athletic, coordinated people; I was not one of those people. I’ve enjoyed jogging for most of my life, but that didn’t make me think of myself as someone athletic or strong. Anyone could put one foot in front of the other. I ran because I wasn’t athletic enough to do any other sport!