The delicious aroma of chicken Provencal and haricots verts greeted my husband and me, as did a jazzy playlist and my friend Shena and her husband Shawn giving us warm, welcoming hugs. The four of us immediately broke into lovely, lively conversation that continued for three hours nonstop.
Shena is one of my closest friends. But it hasn’t always been that way. I first met her at a Bible study I was teaching at the new church we had joined. She was the daughter of one of the pastors, which made me a bit nervous. Did my future Bible study teaching hinge on the impression I made on her?
I soon realized Shena was smart and funny and an absolute treat to be with. We found ourselves walking to our cars after study, still chatting about the Bible, Jesus, our families, our favorite nail polish, books we were reading, and so many other things. One day I got the courage up to ask Shena if she wanted to go on a walk after study the next week. She said she couldn’t. I felt awkward, and it took me several weeks to ask her again, not wanting to bother her, but also really wanting to get to know her better. This time Shena said yes.
And so it went. A couple of walks spread out over several weeks. A coffee date. A trip to a bookstore, to a cool library, a worship night, more walks, more coffees. Which led to a meaningful friendship that has spanned years. We pray together, learn together, process together, and yes, sometimes share delicious food together.
Friendship, real Christian community, takes time and intentionality.
We all crave relationships where we can be seen and known, where the other person or people “get” us. Friendships that help us grow in our faith and become better versions of ourselves. We can’t add these friendships to our Instacarts or click “follow” to have them. But we can cultivate these relationships. We can invite and suggest and ask good questions. We can listen well and show up and try again.
How am I so confident that we can all have these kinds of relationships? Because the persons of the triune God—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are in perfect relationship (Matthew 3:16), and we were created in God’s image. We were created from relationship and for relationship. The Bible tells us on repeat why it’s good to have community:
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24).
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10).
You’ve probably experienced the joy of friendship firsthand for yourself. Maybe a friend introduced you to your boss, spouse, babysitter, or dentist. Maybe a friend held you when you needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen to your story. Maybe a friend took your shift, helped you study, gave you a ride, watched your kiddos, or watered your plants when you couldn’t.
Somedays it feels easier to stay in our comfy homes wrapped in a cozy blanket scrolling on our phones. Sometimes it feels safer not to put ourselves out there, risk rejection, go through the awkward stages of getting to know someone and allow them to get to know us. But real friendship grows and nurtures us, reminds us of who we are in Christ, inspires us, and might even serve us a warm baguette.
So how do we find and build these kinds of relationships?
- Pray: Since God created us for relationship, He wants this for you! You can ask God where to start, where to look, how to go about it, for courage to try, the words to speak, the ideas of what you could invite someone to do.
- Look around: Who are the people you encounter on a regular basis who might be potential friends? These could be neighbors, coworkers, classmates, the woman you always bump into at the grocery or doctor’s office, parents of your kids’ friends, etc.
- Take action: Send the text or email or make the phone call or ask that person out loud the next time you see them if they’ll go for a walk, grab coffee, study, meet at the gym, or sit together at the next class or meeting.
- Try again: The first person or first idea might not be the winner. I had to ask Shena a second time if she’d walk with me. And then a few weeks after our first walk, I had to ask her again. And it was so worth it!
- Be creative: What are you already doing or want to do that you could include others in? Is there a show, lecture, or class you’d like to attend? Invite someone along. Do you play pickleball, volunteer, drink cocoa, or take your kids to the skating rink on Thursdays? Ask someone to join you.
You get the idea. If you truly want life-giving friendships, you’ll have to take risks, try, and try again. But it will be so worth it. Because a good friend or two will stir you on to “love and good deeds” (Hebrews 10:24), pick you up when you fall, encourage and inspire you.
Don’t worry—you don’t have to do this on your own. Jesus is with you. He wants goodness for you. He wants friendships for you. Ask Him for help. Take inventory of the people you see. Take that first step, and then another. Get creative! Soon you’ll find yourself getting to know other people who needed a good friend just as much as you did.
—Laura L. Smith is a speaker, podcaster and best-selling author who has written fifteen books including Brave Woman, Mighty God, The Urgency of Slowing Down, and Holy Care for the Whole Self. Smith is passionate about tearing down lies, so we can live in Christ’s truth. She lives in the picturesque college town of Oxford, Ohio, with her husband and the youngest of their four young adult kids. There you’ll find her running the wooded trails, teaching a local Bible study, shopping at the Saturday morning farmer’s market, or going on a sunset walk. You can find more about her at www.laurasmithauthor.com
