The other day I was so done with the hardness of all of it I ran away from home. At the age of forty-nine.
Actually, first I turned off Life 360 so my teens couldn’t track me—then I ran away. If they saw me near a store or a Starbucks, I would then be asked for all the things and that would have been my actual undoing.
I drove and drove, but I was too tired to really drive far, so I parked behind the building where I work and took a really, really long nap. Right there behind the middle school friends listening to a podcast with my seat all the way back and my AC blasting on high like an actual boss. I slept so hard I woke up with drool on my cheek. Good times.
Then I found I was hungry. So I drove to the grocery store and walked in, tucking a basket over my arm and breathing in the fact I could just buy whatever I wanted. Daunting right?
Sometimes I have no idea what I actually want—all the wants of all the people have drowned out my own for so long. But I rallied and figured it out. I bought chicken salad and homemade tortilla chips. Then I went through Starbucks and got a giant coffee, and I sat in the parking lot and ate and drank coffee all alone.
But I wasn’t actually alone. God met me there.
In the quiet of my SUV on a random day in the summer in the parking lot when I was just ALL DONE.
God Showed Up
He spoke to my heart when I gave myself a chance to be still. He filled me up with all the things I needed when I prayed for Him to give me the strength to keep on going and the words to say that would be gentle and wise for my people. I prayed for the hard things my kids were going through and the hard things that I was going through too. And I prayed for my reentry into my home, which I knew was what I needed to do next.
Moms cannot actually run away, you see.
So we rely on Psalm 145:18 that tells us: “God’s there, listening for all who pray, for all who pray and mean it” (Message Bible). And lucky for us, God doesn’t run away from us ever. He runs with us and alongside us and shows up for us in all the places.
“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans” Romans 8:26 (Message Bible).
And this verse, friends—this verse has held my soul.
I mean. I knew parenting teenagers wasn’t going to be the easiest gig. But I had no idea what a test of my faith it would be.
I anticipated arguments over clothes and curfews. Some eye rolling and maybe some even some doorslamming.
I knew we wouldn’t always see eye to eye (but also secretly believed MY babies would grow to be perfect teenagers). I thought I would lead them easily to faith having raised them in Church and with the Bible and all the things. What could go wrong? I had followed the plan.
Reality hit in our world in waves. The things I anticipated might happen did, but so many things I didn’t anticipate came into our lives as well. Mental health struggles, disconnection and rebellion from all the things we had taught them to hold true, serious moments where I doubted it all.
There was a night when one of my babies was suffering so greatly and was also pushing us away completely. So I took my blanket and my pillow and laid outside their door where I would be close should they choose to come out and need anything.
I remember looking out of the window in the hallway watching the moonlight washing in.
Knowing God was hearing the prayers of my heart when I didn’t even know what to pray for. He heard the groans of my heart.
Here is Why It’s So Hard
When our teens were small, we can work to put things—like the fact they aren’t sleeping or are struggling with math in grade 2—into perspective.
But when our kids are older, the perspective on the problem being a big one is just TRUE. We are worrying often about genuinely big things—drinking and driving and if they will graduate and the risks of sex while they are dating and all of these small decisions they could make that could change their whole lives.
And we have to live like they are going to be just fine even when our heart is worrying about every single bad thing that can happen to them. We have to know the horrible knowledge that the world isn’t safe and things could go wrong—and let them go ANYWAY.
We also have to get them to clean the kitchen and bring spoons back from their rooms and be kind to their siblings and bring their garbage in from the car and be sure they are handing in their homework.
It is not an easy lift, this parenting gig.
The HOPE
I have absolutely no idea how I would do this thing without God at my side, showing up and giving me strength. Quieting my heart when I whisper prayers for them as they pull out of the driveway.
Dear Lord, Bless and protect them as they drive to get a gallon of milk. Keep them from the distraction of their phones and let them pass only well rested and attentive drivers. Amen.
He is there for this, I know He is. He is with us on the doorstep, and He is with our teens as they pull out of the driveway in that car. He is with us and listening to the prayers of our hearts that we can’t even name in all the places and for all of the days.
He hears our sighs as the prayers that they are.
What a gift.
—Written by Amy Betters-Midtvedt. Used by permission from the author.
