Father, Forgive Them

Some moments I’ll never forget. Seeing my published story after four years of writing it and twenty years of living it was one of those moments. Being falsely accused and shunned for it was another.  

Before I knew I was struggling specifically with an eating disorder, I sensed God leading me to write about it. I had spent many years being quietly controlled, confused, and misunderstood. I wanted to encourage others who were struggling similarly that God loved them, saw them, and had a plan for their pain too. When I was eventually diagnosed and started treatment for my eating disorder, I didn’t need to tell my family and friends—they knew something had been wrong for a while. However, they didn’t know the complexities nor how it affected everyday life.  

I’ve always been a private person, and when it came to my eating disorder, I rarely shared what was going on in my head. It was a very personal struggle, and I didn’t understand my own thoughts well enough to explain them to others. The last thing I wanted was to share what I was doing and thinking and be misunderstood or judged by others, so I kept quiet. But because that was the kind of honesty that I needed to hear, I knew if I wanted to encourage someone else, I needed to write what I once needed to read.  

The Journey of Writing my Story 

Two years into writing my story, I was accepted into graduate school and was fortunate enough to have my story be accepted as my thesis. For the following two years, I had the privilege of working with godly, trusted professors who understood the purpose of my book and gave insightful feedback to help me refine it.  

During the four years of working on it, God walked me through the darkest season of my life. Beyond the pain of having to re-live old, defining memories, I was also still undergoing treatment for the disorder I was writing about, and experiencing significant loss and change in my personal life. A lot of people knew I was writing a book, but very few knew all that was happening in my life beside the book.  

When March of 2024 came, I was relieved and proud of what God gave me the strength to turn in. I knew what I wrote was vulnerable and bold—directing all answers, strength and hope to the grace of Jesus. Knowing the entire process was covered in prayer gave me the peace of knowing that I had written what God prompted me to write.  

It Wasn’t Over Yet 

A few months after the release, I received messages from all over the world about how my story helped and encouraged people to hope. I also received messages that revealed not everyone comprehended the purpose of my book.  

People who God had already taken down a different life path than mine came across my work and did not agree with it. While we didn’t cross paths as much anymore, I loved them very much, so their reactions to my story hurt very much, and unfortunately damaged my trust in others for a long time. I had never felt so hated and misunderstood. I wept before God and asked Him to search my heart and convict me of anything I was accused of. After three days, I had peace over what I turned in, but I felt convicted to forgive.  

The Source of Forgiveness 

I think one of the hardest things God asks us to do is forgive the things we’re not offered an apology for. But Jesus’ command in Matthew 18:22—“I tell you not [to forgive] seven times, but seventy-seven times”—has no exceptions. As a follower of Jesus, I wanted to forgive and still love those who hurt me (from Matthew 5:44), but I needed God’s grace to help me to genuinely that.   

Forgiveness doesn’t require forgetting harm done, but it does entail letting go of a desire for vengeance against those who hurt you. . For many months, I prayed for God to heal my heart and help me forgive those who hurt me, until one day, I noticed my prayer change from “Father, help me to forgive” to “Father, forgive them, bless them, and thank you for the good memories you once allowed us to have.”  

Being able to genuinely say that prayer helped free me from the lingering pain and allowed me to slowly start trusting other people again. Forgiving deep wounds, asking for favor on those who hurt you, and learning to trust others is only possible through the Holy Spirit.  

A Year and a Half Later . . . God is Faithful 

About eighteen months after publishing my story, I was visiting my hometown when I received an apology message from someone God had already helped me forgive. When I saw the message, I couldn’t help but smile while tears poured down my face. All I could say in the moment was “Thank you, God.” We won’t always be offered an apology, nor is it the reason why we choose to love and forgive, but in this story, it was a testament to God’s faithfulness.   

—Written by Hannah Kuhn. Used by permission from the author.