Before I was “officially” saved, I required a lot of evidence that Jesus was the Son of God. Even after God rescued me in my dorm room the fall of my freshman year, I still sought out books and arguments that supported my feeble faith. I felt I needed to be certain that God was the One True God before I was going to give my life over to Him.
Once I felt certain enough, I started arguing heartily with anyone who would dare engage in battle to prove my views. People I encountered in youth ministry and college ministry were stoking the coals of my enthusiasm with calls to go to the ends of the earth proclaiming the Name of Jesus. They preached and I underlined 1 Peter 3:15, “But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.”
Leaders at an FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) gathering handed out bumper stickers with “Every Tribe, Tongue, and Nation” etched in bold letters one night, and I slapped it on the tail end of my Ford Thunderbird all throughout college so that everyone would know what I was all about.
How could they not, when I passed out Bibles at Christmas like Oprah handed out cars? YOU get a Bible, and YOU get a Bible, and YOU get a Bible!
From the distance of twenty-two years, my earnest zeal for God in those early days is both embarrassing and admirable. I was constantly seeking ways to give an answer to everyone about the hope I had, even if they didn’t ask. And I was prepared, with books like Evidence That Demands a Verdict and More Than a Carpenter by Josh McDowell and Sean McDowell, Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, and The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel.
These Christian apologists (people who defend Christianity), gave this logically minded daughter of Christ the reasonable foundation to accept what for many is ultimately unreasonable: faith. Trust in a God I’ve never seen despite my doubts and uncertainties. Armed with these useful tools, I struck out into the world to convince everyone I came in contact with that they were wrong, about everything, and I was right, about the same.
I conveniently forgot the latter half of 1 Peter 3:15, “but do this with gentleness and respect.” Instead, I used my Bible like a sledgehammer.
I exhausted a lot of energy defending God early on in my Christian life. When crises and losses I couldn’t reason away began to happen to me, suffering shattered all my certainty. In all this loss, where was God? Instead of engaging in arguments using exclamation points, I found myself dropping a lot of question marks. God? God? Are you there? Who are you? What are you doing? Who are you, really?
According to Martin B. Copenhaver, author of Jesus Is the Question, Jesus asks 307 questions in the Gospels. Of the 183 questions that people ask of Jesus, he only answers three. God seems deeply interested in my curiosity, my doubts, my concerns, my frustration, my confusion, and my wondering, wandering heart. The writers of psalms and other wisdom literature in Scripture model a relationship with God that is built on questioning. Despite uncertainty, in the midst of pain and suffering, people keep turning to God for comfort and hope. Why?
Aristotle famously said, “The more you know, the more you know you don’t know.” My apologetics teachers that had fed my mind to provide rational explanations for faith hadn’t made their way into my heart. What I needed wasn’t a God of answers. I needed the God of silence. The God who mourned. The God who sees. The God who helps.
I needed the God of relationship. I needed the God of Love.
The experience of God’s Love transcends understanding. Paul prayed that the believers in Ephesus would “have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:17–19 NIV).
When people came to Jesus with their questions, He didn’t give them pat answers. He engaged with their lives. He sought the root of their questions. He loved them and their questions. The love of God is so powerful and big that when we experience it, it allows us to rest in the mysteries of Christ, to celebrate that mystery and be comfortable with uncertainty. It grants us the freedom to answer, “I don’t know.”
Long before anyone pointed me to C.S. Lewis or Lee Strobel or Josh McDowell, they welcomed me into their homes. They befriended me. They knew I didn’t know what I believed and loved me anyway. They didn’t try to convert me immediately, as if I was an evangelism project; they led with love, and when I demanded an answer for the hope they had, they answered with gentleness and respect.
Their defense of their faith wasn’t offered in a ten-point outline—that would come later, when I asked for it—their best answer for the hope they had was the Light of Christ and the peace that passes understanding that emanated from them everywhere they went, no matter what hardship or challenges they were facing.
I wanted that hope. I wanted that peace. I wanted that joy.
I don’t have energy today to defend the faith, the church, or God. God doesn’t need to be defended anyway. He was, is, and will be no matter what I say. The best witness I can give these days, when my children’s friends wander in and out of my house, is one of love and questions. How are you doing, child? How are you really? I’m so sorry. I love you. If you ever need anything, say the word. Let us know how we can help.
As Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:2, “If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.” What good is having all of the answers if they are not given lovingly?
My greatest exercise in apologetics requires emphasizing the leading phrase of 1 Peter 3:15: But in your hearts, set apart Christ as Lord. In doing so, perhaps the Holy Spirit will open gates that have been shut and make a way for the questions to come. God loves our questions, because they mean we’re entering into a relationship with Him, even if our questions are angry, confused, hurt, and accusing.
And then, when the questions come, may I be prepared to offer an answer to anyone who asks me to give a reason for the hope I have. . .with gentleness, and respect, and love.
–Written by Sarah Wells. Used by permission from the author.
6 Responses
"I needed the God of silence. The God who mourned."
gosh we forget that there is something so holy about lamenting and our God can sit with us in it.
thank you sarah for these words!
eryn eddy adkins
This resonates so much with me, thanks to Sarah for sharing this. I found this insight – "Of the 183 questions that people ask of Jesus, he only answers three" so fascinating–and convicting when you think of how much of Christian culture is dominated by people sure that God has given them a clear answer to any and every controversial question. An addiction to certainty and answers seems like the opposite of a humble reliance on God in faith. Thanks for articulating this so beautifully.
Very well written. Lord, I am listening. Thank you for calling me & speaking through Sarah Wells. Please continue to bless her. In Christ’s mighty name, Amen.
It’s better to believe in Jesus Christ than to doubt God’s glory of Him. My seed of faith has been in me when God wove me together in my mother’s womb. He created us all in His image and likeness, but now I truly understand my calling. I’m relaxed with leading others to Jesus Christ it feels really good to share the Hope I have. I’m content with being a believer and trusting God’s provision in my life to live according to my purpose, every detail of my life God has been there with me. How do I know? Because of the miracles He has shown me in reality no human being could ever do. Always believe and trust in the Lord because it’s definitely a wise thing to do. Sincerely, LaDonna M. Wells 💞
In the last few years of my life, I feel I have grown away from the church and seemingly from Christ. I am a grandchild of a nondenominational preacher who I remember accepting and loving everyone. I am hurt and offended by what you call Christian apologist as I see them not leading with love. I see people being driven away from Christ today. It is scary and so very real. After reading "My Apologies", I have hope that Christians will begin to witness with love and put away their "sledgehammers". Thank you.
I was raised in the church, but did not give my life to Christ until I was an adult. Because our parents forced my siblings and I to attend church services weekly, I rebelled against listening or even trying to comprehend the messages that were being taught. At that time, I had many questions and doubts about God. It wasn’t until I had a personal relationship with Him and began to reflect upon my life that I realized that even through my lack of faith, God did not abandon me. He was there all the time, through the struggles and challenges of life, He was there.! Therefore, when I witness to others, I share my story of how God sees, hears, and loves us, even when we reject Him.