I concentrated on breathing slowly, trying to ignore my husband’s useless attempts to comfort me as we walked out of the doctor’s office. Alan dug his keys out of his pocket as we approached the car. “At least you weren’t that far along,” he said.
Hugging my purse to my chest, I glared at my husband. Almost five months seemed far enough along to me. I blinked away the stinging in my eyes as I remembered the nurse’s failed attempt to comfort us by saying that “the fetus had stopped developing” so she doubted I was “as far along as my chart indicated.”
The fetus? No. The baby stopped developing. My baby, who was far enough along to have a heartbeat and far enough along to be a loss, was worth grieving.
Alan opened my car door and placed his hand on my shoulder. “It’s not that big of a deal,” he said. “This happens to a lot of people.”
Shrugging away from his touch, I slid into the passenger seat as anger, confusion, and resentment widened the gap between us. Staring out the window in silence didn’t stop my husband from bombarding me with what I now recognize as well-intentioned platitudes used to process his own confusion and grief.
Over the next few weeks, I concealed my feelings behind a lipstick-glossed smile at work. But baby-sightings in-person and on television triggered explosions of grief. At home, I lashed out at my husband.
Eventually, I asked for a divorce.
Alan urged me to give our marriage one more chance, to give our friendship a chance. “Let’s take a vacation,” he said. “If you still want a divorce when we get home, I won’t try to stop you.”
Reluctantly, I agreed and . . . even more reluctantly . . . I had a wonderful time remembering why I had fallen in love with my husband.
After our return, I still struggled to cope with the overwhelming grief. I was planning to ask my husband for a divorce when I found out I was pregnant with Xavier.
Month after month, I enjoyed the wonder of Xavier’s tiny body growing in my womb. I also lived in fear of losing him and felt overcome by guilt for being happy.
I struggled with these feelings until Xavier was in kindergarten, until I began to grieve my loss with an enduring hope for redemption through my personal relationship with Jesus.
Though I didn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus when I’d lost my first baby, God comforted me through His people. After I surrendered my life to Christ and began seeking Him through the prayerful reading and studying of His Word, I experienced the power of His redeeming hope flowing in and through my life.
God began using my story to help comfort others with the same comfort He used to comfort me, even before I knew He was pursuing me!
One day, my friend called me crying after her miscarriage. I shared my story with her. I assured her that all her feelings were valid and that her baby’s life was valuable, no matter how far along she was in her pregnancy.
I encouraged her with the hope we shared in Christ. Though the pain was heart-wrenchingly real and the grieving process inevitable, we would both see our babies in heaven one day!
That assurance brought me joy and, twenty years later, made me realize that I wanted to give my baby a name, even if no one else thought it was important.
I don’t know if my first baby was a boy or a girl, but I do know that baby is safe in the presence of my loving Savior Jesus. And I am certain that I will be worshiping the Lord alongside my precious baby when I get to heaven.
For this promise, I rejoice!
With that promise in mind, I named my baby Kai, which means “rejoice.”
Losing Kai led to grief that the enemy used in a vain attempt to destroy my marriage. That same grief revealed my desperation for Christ’s redeeming hope. That grief also allows me to comfort other women who have suffered the loss of a child through miscarriage.
I can’t change what happened when I lost Kai, but I can rejoice in the ways God is using our story to point others to His redeeming hope.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3–4, NIV).
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As I took a break to process my feelings while writing this article, I reached for a box Xavier made when he was in elementary school. He told me the box was meant for me to keep my “treasures safe.” He still doesn’t know that I use his box to keep the gifts I received from friends who comforted me after my miscarriage.
I opened Kai’s Memory Box and pulled out a small plastic angel encased in a clear heart and a smooth white quartz rock with the word “Blessings” inscribed across the flat front surface. Then, I pulled out a silver lapel pin, two tiny feet “the exact size and shape of a 10-week unborn baby’s feet.”
My baby had tiny toes before that day the nurse said, “the fetus had simply stopped developing.” That silver pin was like a hug from God affirming that my loss was significant and real no matter who minimized or dismissed my feelings and my right to grieve.
Today, over twenty-seven years after my miscarriage, I wrote a long-overdue message addressed to my first child: “I love you, Kai Dixon.” As I tucked the love note into Kai’s memory box and closed the lid, I shed tears of grief and rejoiced in the redeeming hope of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Though the pain still feels overwhelming, I’m grateful for every moment of Kai’s life. I may not have had the opportunity to see Kai’s tiny toes, but I know they were as real as the heart that beat for months inside my womb before my little one entered the arms of Jesus in heaven.
These emotions aren’t easy to face. Our story isn’t easy to share. Some people will not feel the same way I did after my miscarriage, and that’s okay. But I’ll keep sharing our story and praying that God will comfort others with the same comfort He used . . . He uses, to comfort me as I lament my loss and rejoice in the assurance of Christ’s redeeming hope.
“Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story—those he redeemed from the hand of the foe, those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south.” (Psalm 107:2–3, NIV)
–Written by Xochitl Dixon. Used by permission from the author.
27 Responses
Xochitl, your words always speak to my heart. thank you for this.
eryn eddy adkins
Your story resonated with me. I am a grieving mom whose 3 day old baby girl died 13 1/2 years ago. I was never able to get pregnant again. I grieve with hope knowing that I will hold my Sarah Elisabeth again on Heaven’s streets.
Dear Sweet Xochi,
The parallels of my life to yours are often astonishing…I too lost a baby (12 weeks) and the pain was very real and devastating. God showed me I had a little girl. I named her Courtney Amanda…she would bear my initials. God never saw fit to bless me with another pregnancy (endometriosis) but He has granted me "spiritual kids" all over this earth, and for that I am grateful! I too suffer with spinal issues and have had 7 surgeries, so when you hurt and express your suffering I am so aware of all you are enduring, which breaks my heart. You are such a glorious inspiration of strength and beauty in the midst of trial. I have so much respect for you and your walk with Jesus. Thank you for always revealing your truth and giving us courage to endure. I love you!!!
My Sweet Sister in Christ, as I read your post my heart was si aching for you.
Your post brought back memories of my precious Momma sharing with me her miscarriages between my brother and our twin siblings.
May all be blessed by your posting🙏💕🌻
Thank you for sharing something so personal and so painful. I lost my twins when my first baby girl was only three. But I know that I will see them again someday when I meet our Savior face-to-face! Blessings and hugs to you, my friend.
My husband and I went through 3 years of in-vitro fertilization. I was positive one time during those painful years. I know my babies were more then embryos. ❤️
Xochitl, I just want you to know I’m praying for you and thinking about you! I’ve been reading from "Our Daily Bread" almost every day for years and it seems like I’ve watched you grow through the years! Your thoughts and sharings have touched me in so many ways! I praise God for your ministry. Our family has experienced incredible loss like you…our daughter was pregnant and lost our grandboy, Brock Aaron, at 5 months about 12 years ago. We thought our daughter’s marriage was weathering the storm as we were all believers, but we noticed our son-in-law was becoming depressed and their marriage was going downhill very slowly. Finally, last year the Lord brought events into their life that brought things to a ‘show down’ you might say and they FINALLY sought Christian counseling, where he was diagnosed with PTSD. Through God’s grace and mercy and guidance, they are having a renewed love for each other that they almost lost! Their relationship seems much richer now than it ever was! We could never figure out what triggered PTSD for our son-in-law, but looking back now, perhaps losing Brock was that event and the rest of us moved on leaving him behind! I can’t stress how it’s so important to not give up and seek counseling! Praying for you and what you’re dealing with now!
Hmmm, I’ve lost three and this is comforting in ways I still don’t know. I’m grateful that God did allow me to have four born with too well into adulthood. But your sharing your story so many years later causes me to wonder if some of the bitterness in my heart of the years might not be from not having fully grieved my loss in those three that I so look forward to meeting as brother and sisters (though I only know from God that one was a boy) in Christ! Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your story of healing and hope. Your writing is always deeply heartfelt and honest. It was truly beautiful. I have a brother and sister in heaven that I will meet some day. My mother bore the pain of loss with her first two babies…. Siblings I miss deeply having never met. I grew up hearing about how precious those children were to her and how valuable ALL life is… Including those who never breathe on this earth. Your hope of reunion is my hope too. While I cannot compare mourning the loss of a child with my experience as an only child versus "being the baby of the family", your story offers validity to my mother’s agonizing loss and the welcome she received from Jody Kay and Jeffrey when she entered heaven 30 years ago.
Kathy
Beautiful..absolutely beautiful.
Thank you for your authenticity, your story really touched me.
Thank you for your beautiful story.
Praise to you Lord Jesus Christ!
Xochitl, I feel your pain. Her name would have been Amanda. She would be 32 now. The pain was unbearable and few understood the depth of my grief. I take comfort in knowing I will get to meet her in Heaven.
I have no words to express how much your blog has ministered to me. Thank you so much for your transparency and honesty.
Thanks for your kind words of encouragement, Sister. I pray God’s redeeming hope and healing love will wrap you in His peace. You are loved, Sis!
Thank you so much for sharing. 💝🙏
Thanks for your encouragement, Julia. To God be the glory!
This was a beautiful story of your grief over the very real loss if your baby. Thank you for sharing, it can’t be easy to relive such deep sorrow. I am so sorry today 27 years later, and I know God is using it to comfort those if us who are going thru not just the same, but similar losses. God bless your heart! Thank you!
Thanks for your tender response, Dara Jean. I pray God will continue comforting all of us who are grieving losses and trusting His redeeming hope. You are loved, Sister!
in a way i can relate to your story. i had many sponeous abortions as they were called after 3/4 wks of pregnancy. after each one i didn’t get a soothing words of comfort from my husband. he was reluctant to start adoption…he wanted his own seed! through all the years of trying and loosing, the lord was always in my heart…he helped me understand….motherhood with this man was not meant to be….i thank the lord for his care and love in my life. i take to heart his promise: even in your old age and gray hair i will sustain you, and help you.. in jesus name i pray….
Thanks for sharing with such tenderness and vulnerability, Virginia. I am so sorry for all of the losses you have endured. I’m praying the abounding love of Jesus will wrap you in peace and lift your eyes to the heavens, where your babies are secured in His embrace. May the Lord’s healing grace shine in and through the beautiful life He’s entrusted to you, Sis. I see you! I hear you! And I love you, beloved daughter of God!
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story as I have not lost a child but was I read your story I could feel the pain and grief as if it was my own, but also feel the love from each word written thank you for such a beautiful loving post and I know there will be mmmm ant more comments. L CARTER
Thanks for your loving encouragement, Lilly. I thank God for creating you with such a compassionate heart filled with empathy and a desire to support others. I pray He will surround you with a loving fellowship of believers who God will use to bless you as you continue blessing others. To God be the glory!
Enjoyed reading this. I love the name "Kai" and what it represents. May God bless you & hold you close.
Thanks for your kindness, Silvia. I pray the Lord will continue being your strong foundation and loving refuge. Keep shining for Jesus, Sister! Hallelujah!
Thank you, Xochitl. I lost baby Gabriel/Gabriella 27 years ago. My doctor thought we were having twins and wept with us upon the shock of loss of our baby. Several people in our church told us if we had had more faith our baby wouldn’t have died…I was crushed to the point I nearly forsook the Lord…but that is not the truth of Who Jesus is, praise God He opened my eyes. We have 3 beautiful grown children and one day we will be reunited with our 4th- thank You, Lord!! May the Holy Spirit comfort those who are mourning.
My beautiful sister, Rebecca, thanks for sharing a bit of your story with Spirit-empowered courage and compassion. I am so sorry for your loss! Gabriella means "God is My Strength!" Hallelujah! Oh, how I praise God for reminding us that He is and always will be all-knowing, all-loving, and all-good. Thanks for sharing how God is holding your heart in peace, until they Day He calls us home or comes again. Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! You are all loved, Radiant Light for Christ! So is your precious little one in Heaven and your adult children on this side of eternity. To God be the glory, the honor, and the praise!