Church splits are painful. Excruciatingly so. Having grown up as a pastor’s kid, I am well acquainted with church strife. It wasn’t until my early thirties, however, that I experienced the separation of a body of believers. Together, we had celebrated weddings, welcomed new babies, and enjoyed the ordinary, beautiful moments of life.
The tearing apart of the congregation was agonizing: lasting not just weeks but months, even years.
Almost twenty years later, when I look back now, I still feel the loss.
Maybe you have a similar story of lingering pain. Perhaps for you the pain wasn’t in the loss of church community. Maybe for you it was the separation of family, the betrayal of a close friend, the loss of stability in life’s circumstances, or the normal transition from one stage of life to a new one. The confusion is real, and grief a natural response. And the hurt? At times, unbearable.
Letting go is rarely easy.
Real Trust
Traversing a high ropes course is hardly an everyday activity. Most often, they are reserved for the brave of heart or those needing a group bonding activity. Regardless, they reveal how confident and in control you feel with both feet on the ground. However, once up in the air, thirty feet off the ground, all bets are off.
Years ago, I stepped out onto a heavy-duty wire stretched—like a tightrope—between two tall trees.
Ten feet above it stretched another wire, from which hung vertical lengths of rope at various intervals. I would need to reach the ropes within my grasp as I inched my way along the wire.
At the beginning of the exercise, terrified, I clung to the vertical rope nearest the platform. Soon, however, I had exhausted its reach. I could remain fixed, holding onto the rope for safety, or I could stretch to grab the next one.
Doing so, however, would mean lessening my grip on the rope holding me steady.
To move forward, I had to let go.
Real Pain
My feet on the ground, it was now my heart, and everything I had known about church family for the previous ten years, up in the air. While the difficulties had been felt for several months (and were actually rooted in years of unresolved conflict), within a few weeks, long-time ministry colleagues parted ways, a new church was formed with those leaving, and not a relationship remained untouched.
Before, our church experience had been far from idyllic. But it had been consistent, even in its brokenness. Now, nothing felt certain.
What took me most by surprise was my own response.
I was constantly assessing, trying to figure out . . .
who would be safe,
who could be trusted,
who wouldn’t leave.
Each time a family decided they, too, would leave to join the new church that had formed, it felt like a new death for my husband and for me. Much of the pain of this experience came in our confusion. My husband and I believed we had heard distinctly from the Lord regarding His intentions for us. While people we loved left, people we love stayed. The breach was so significant, we knew the separation was irreconcilable.
The Lord had already been preparing our hearts to remain.
Confirming to both of us beyond outside influence, the Lord led Scott and I through His Word, the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, and His undeniable peace. Confident the Lord had told us to remain, we knew He would provide what we needed as we obeyed His voice. This made our decision to stay much easier in the coming days.
Making the healing process more difficult for us, however, many of those walking out the door believed they, too, had heard God speak.
Who was right?
The question frequently permeated my prayers, along with a cry for answers, for healing. I was hurt.
People I loved—on every side—had been hurt. It all felt so very wrong. Whom would God vindicate?
Real Healing
As weeks turned into months and months into years, what become increasingly clear as I allowed my heart to be healed is this: while I am called to love people without reserve, only Jesus is worthy of my unconditional trust.
In Proverbs 3:5–6 (NASB), we read: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5 reminds us that being anchored in the truth of God means trusting Him with every part of who we are.
It means not finding our security in what we see or think
God is so often at work in something far bigger than what we see, even in circumstances that leave the church, His bride, battered and bruised.
When I was wondering who I could trust, God was asking me to trust Him.
When I was asking Him who was right, God wanted to make my heart right before Him (Proverbs 3:6).
Not only is my healing not dependent upon my vindication, but my insistence that it be so will serve only to leave me bitter and self-centered.
Most of all, it will keep me mired in distrust.
Proverbs 3:7–8 (NASB) reminds us, “Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body And refreshment to your bones”.
Healing happens when we trust the Lord enough to surrender not only our decisions to Him but also the choices of others.
Restoration is not only possible—it is a promise for those who trust in the Lord.
Real Love
Oftentimes when we talk about trust, we think about letting go when we can’t see what the future holds. Sometimes, however, trust is about letting go even when you can see.
When you see people’s faults and failings up close.
When you see a painful road ahead.
When you see long-term consequences to someone’s here and now decisions.
In our humanness, we believe knowing more can reduce our pain and disappointment. Perhaps for you, knowledge, or information, has become your gauge for how much to trust people. Perhaps, what you know is the reason you only trust yourself.
Perhaps, even in all of the information, God is calling you to let go and trust Him.
In the early days following the church split, I remember how every new piece of information would become a means by which to alternately shore up or question the decision we had made, depending on the nature of the information we received. It is important to be discerning, and letting go does not mean overlooking sin or injustice.
What we do have to be careful of is that, while discernment may be validated by later events, pride looks to pull us into a courtroom of right versus wrong. Declaring ourselves innocent and those who disagree with us guilty, we miss the opportunity to learn real love.
Few of us want to relive the losses of the past. For some, those hard places may still awaken pain, unrest, and distrust. Loving people is worth the risk, and healing is possible.
But you and I have choice.
Jesus calls us to trust Him completely.
With what we see and what we don’t.
With those we love and those who have hurt us.
With what we’ve learned and what still hurts.
It begins with letting go.
—Written by Regina Franklin. Used by permission from the author.
One Response
Regina,
Thank you for writing about this issue. This is something I really need to practice more often. Letting go! For the past 20 years I have lived with a lot of grief in my life, starting with my daughter, her fiancé and any hope of having grandchildren, then my mother and my father.
Mothers day is a hard one for me. No mother, and no daughter. Yes I have a son but he told me long time ago he was never going to bring children into this messed up world. And he forgets about me on special days, until the last minute then he calls. He never sends me cards. He is married and she has a big family.
But I want to tell you about this Mother’s Day.
A friend of mine was selling 4 inch mini cakes at $20.00 each and the money was going to her niece for Down Syndrome. Even though I had already donated $50.00, I decided that I would buy her last 3 cakes.
Lemon, Red Velvet and Oreo. I thought I was just going to freeze them but decided that I knew 2 super moms, both with 7 kids. I picked them up after church on Mother’s Day and on my way back home from Harlem, I sent Lauren a text message that said, “Lemon, Red Velvet or Oreo?” But nothing explaining my question. She said Lemon and I said I would be right over. So on the outside of the box I wrote FOR MOM ONLY. Then we sat on the front porch and the kids came out and crawled all over me. I had fun.
After that I went to Christys and gave her the Red Velvet and visited with her on her front porch and of course wrote FOR MOM ONLY on her cake box.
The next day when I was doing my morning meditations I realized that I really did let go and put others ahead of my own needs and the thought of giving rather than receiving rang true for me. When I let go of what was holding me back from God it has been amazing.
I want to give you a big thanks for all you do with us ladies. I love getting to church by 9:30 Sunday morning just to hear your voice and your prayers. You have always been a teacher to me.
I love you. Katie