Let’s Talk About Dating

God Hears Her Podcast

Episode 104 – Let’s Talk About Dating

Elisa Morgan & Eryn Eddy

Eryn: I think when we respond out of urgency and desperation, we get desperate results. In dating, we can be desperate. But I think when you take your time in getting to know somebody and letting the relationship evolve and grow and…you start to develop a root system in the relationship, and then you start to see it grow.

Voice: You’re listening to God Hears Her, a podcast for women where we explore the stunning truth that God hears you, He sees you, and He loves you because you are His. Find out how these realities free you today on God Hears Her.

Elisa: Welcome to God Hears Her. I’m Elisa Morgan.

Eryn: And I’m Eryn Eddy. And today I’m getting vulnerable. Elisa and I are talking about a prevalent topic for most people and one that I’m quite involved with right now, the topic of dating.

Elisa: And Eryn has a lot to share about it. We’ve both learned different things about dating and relationships and what to look for in a committed relationship, whether that be what not to do, your own motivations for dating, or even the red flags you may be missing in a relationship.

Eryn: Well, let’s talk about dating in this episode of God Hears Her. Elisa…

Elisa: Eryn.

Eryn: …dating. Let’s talk about it.

Elisa: Dating, okay, you’re taking me back like 40 something [sound effect] years ago. Yeah.

Eryn: Forty something [sound effect] years ago.

Elisa: Years ago.

Eryn: Okay, so let’s go back to 40 something years ago. What was your first date like?

Elisa: You know I think my first date, this is kind of silly, but I remember it was like in fifth or sixth grade. I’m not kidding.

Eryn: Fifth or sixth grade?

Elisa: It was Derek Stuckey who’s with Jesus now, precious guy.

Eryn: Oh.

Elisa: But he was kind of a surfer dude, and he’d given me this decal of a guy on a surfboard. I thought it was so cool, and I put it on my…my folder, you know that I…that I carried to class. And anyway, I remember, he asked me to go to a movie, and that was my first date.

Eryn: So you want on your first date to see a movie.

Elisa: Yeah, I mean his parents were there. No I really remember his mom and dad in the front seat and us in the back seat driving.

Eryn: Oh my goodness. Were you nervous?

Elisa: Oh yes.

Eryn: You were?

Elisa: Yes.

Eryn: What were you…what were you the most nervous about on the date?

Elisa: What I was going to wear.

Eryn: Yes, exactly. That’s what we do.

Elisa: That’s so silly. You know I don’t know that that would really count as a date in some ways, you know, in…in modern life. But okay, what was your first date?

Eryn: Okay, so I went on a lot of little dates when I was young, and I can’t remember which one was my first. I mean I was little, and I went…like I was young. Cause I was like elementary, middle school, high school. Like which one…like what really counts?

Elisa: Those sound like playdates.

Eryn: They were like playdates.

Elisa: Okay.

Eryn: I guess when I was younger.

Elisa: Okay.

Eryn: But I guess like one that really sticks out would be maybe this guy named Blake, and he borrowed his…this was when I was 15.

Elisa: Okay

Eryn: He was 16.

Elisa: Okay.

Eryn: He’d just got his license, and he borrowed his dad’s convertible. And he picked me up, and we went to Steak ‘n Shake.

Elisa: Oh wow.

Eryn: And we got milk shakes…

Elisa: Yeah.

Eryn: ….and I can’t remember what else we did. But I remember being nervous. I remember being like, what am I gonna wear? And it’s a convertible, so now my hair is gonna be all over the place. I was really worried. I was really nervous about that. I’m trying to think of the next date though that made me really nervous. Do you have a date that made you really nervous?

Elisa: First off, let me just self-disclose. I dated one guy from a sophomore in high school till I graduated high school.

Eryn: Okay.

Elisa: And we broke up after that. And so that’s a whole nother podcast.

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: But I was, in a way, preserved. He was a really great guy, from a lot of cray, cray, cray situations.

Eryn: Okay.

Elisa: And then in between college and when I met my husband, I dated a lot of interesting people. So…

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: …wonderful and not so.

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: Let me respond to that question of the weight of it, the…the heaviness or the nervousness. I was walking into the library at Denver Seminary, and Evan Morgan was walking out of the library. And I just stopped and I said, “I’m going to (really high voice) I am going to go get a cheeseburger at Burger King. Do you want to come with me?”

Eryn: Oh my gosh.

Elisa: And he did. And you know what was amazing is we had hardly talked at all…

Eryn: Oh my goodness.

Elisa: …and we sat there for a good while, maybe an hour and a half, two hours, and shared our life stories.

Eryn: Oh.

Elisa: And it was like bond. It was like deep. It was like shazam.

Eryn: Did you know then that you were gonna get married?

Elisa: No, I didn’t know then.

Eryn: Yeah, okay.

Elisa: But I just knew this was very unusual.

Eryn: Cause you hear that. You hear like those stories when people go on dates. And I think that there is an expectation sometimes that we have when you hear those stories.

Elisa: Yes, that they’re all going to be like that.

Eryn: That you’re going to meet the person. You’re going to connect instantly. And so then there…that’s the one, and you’re gonna get married.

Elisa: And in between, before that one come a lot of [sound effect].

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: Not so great ones.

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: Okay. You know what, Eryn? I really want to talk about those.

Eryn: Okay.

Elisa: Because you’ve been in a recent season of reentering the dating world.

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: You married as a pretty much right out of high school.

Eryn: I was 21.

Elisa: Your high school sweetheart-ish person.

Eryn: Yeah, yeah.

Elisa: And married seven…

Eryn: Ah, nine years, almost 10.

Elisa: …nine years, almost 10.

Eryn: I was with my former husband for 13 years.

Elisa: Okay.

Eryn: We met when I was 17. I didn’t really know how to date apart from like when my friend Blake would pick me up, and we’d go to Steak ‘n Shake and then drop me off. And I was like well we’ll just stay friends. Like that was pretty much the extent of. And when you’re that young, you don’t really know what expectations to have. You’re also not really at that age looking for the one.

Elisa: Right.

Eryn: Right? I mean you kind of are, but you’re not.

Elisa: You just kind of want to be with somebody and try it out.

Eryn: Yeah, and I guess I should say I…I did my fingers in quotes.

Elisa: Yeah.

Eryn: “The one.”

Elisa: “The one.”

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: Do you met the one, if you will, and were married. And this marriage broke, fell and broke deeply. And we’ve talked about that on some of our conversations. But as that marriage ended and you needed to heal and etcetera, and now it’s been many years, you know, what has dating been like for you? What have you learned about it? And how different is it from the Blake days of Steak ‘n Shake? So many women are in that season of starting over or dating as a maturer person, maybe it’s divorce. Maybe it’s death.

Eryn: Maybe it’s a long…

Elisa: Maybe it’s never married.

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: You know. Maybe it’s a long relationship that didn’t end in marriage but ended.

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: So let’s just dive straight into it. What have you learned?

Eryn: Well you know, a lot. And I…I feel like I’ve learned what not to do…

Elisa: Okay.

Eryn: …more than anything, because I did all the things that maybe I wish I didn’t do. Which was when I was newly-divorced, I threw myself into the dating pool, because I so badly desired to be loved. I so badly desired for somebody to see me, to value me. It was all about me, honestly. What I learned was that I was taking all of the knowledge that I had from when I was in high school, which wasn’t much, and was applying it to dating. It was like, I must find the one.

Elisa: So it was like a hunt.

Eryn: It was a hunt. It was like that one didn’t work out, so let’s find another one, like is how I treated it. That’s how I saw it embarrassing [inaudible].

Elisa: So it was a little objectifying.

Eryn: It is.

Elisa: Yeah.

Eryn: It absolutely is.

Elisa: Wow.

Eryn: And then I also, in doing that, I objectified others and objectified myself.

Elisa: Gosh. Thank you for being so honest. But I think we do that for good reason. And you just said because you…you feel like you need to belong. You…you wanted somebody to love you and notice you. And so that becomes our pursuit.

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: This punt of “please love me.”

Eryn: Yes, well and I think that there is this pressure that you’re only whole if you’re married. And so I’m no longer married, and I’m no longer in a relationship. Which, in my thoughts, I was like well, I must not be whole. I must not be complete. I must be discredited now. I didn’t get invited to couples’ things anymore.

Elisa: Okay.

Eryn: I didn’t get invited to gatherings anymore. Because people wanted to do couple things, married people things.

Elisa: And at church, it’s family ministries and married ministries and youth ministries. And there’s not really a place for dating ministries, if you will.

Eryn: Yeah, right. And so I’m thinking, well I need to find somebody so I can be included and seen. It goes back to included and seen and whole.

Elisa: And made whole.

Eryn: And so I thought dating, that’s how I viewed it. So every date that I went on, it was like I was treating them like, let me see your resume. What can you do for me?

Elisa: You were interviewing.

Eryn: Yeah. Which I think that there is, to some degree you can do that, but you want to learn. You want to be curious, because it’s a person not a project and not a…a thing to get you from point A to point B. Which I think is how we can treat people in dating. This person can get me to place that I need to be at.

Elisa: Yeah, I’ll get married, then I’ll have kids, then I’ll be legitimate, and I’ll be a true adult and whatever.

Eryn: Yes. So that was one of the things that I…I learned very quickly. After the first breakup that I experienced, I guess post-divorce and then dating and then getting into a serious relationship and then the break up, was that I was finding my security and my identity in a relationship. And it was when that relationship broke was when I realized how insecure I was.

Elisa: So you spent your first season as a newly-single person again or a single-again person dating all for the wrong reasons. And the reasons would be to define yourself, to complete yourself, to make yourself whole, to be seen, to be noticed.

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: How did you discover that that motivation for dating wasn’t gonna get you anywhere?

Eryn: Oh, it took me three relationships in dating. I guess there’s a difference in dating and relationships. So…

Elisa: Ah, now okay what do you mean by that?

Eryn: Well so, okay, so I’m going to the Google. I wanted to know what the top searches were that people asked on dating. And one of them was, what is considered dating? Is…is dating called a relationship?

Elisa: Okay.

Eryn: Those were the two that I thought…

Elisa: What is dating? And is dating a relationship?

Eryn: Is dating a relationship? I think dating can be a friendship. So I think that you can just genuinely want to get to know somebody and create this friendship, this bond, this no expectations. I didn’t go into my dating relationships that way. I went into, you know, what can you do for me? Do you check off all the boxes? Are you the one? Can you make me whole? Can you make me complete? This long list which is an exclusive relationship.

Elisa: Yeah, oh so you’re gonna go from zero to 60.

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: And a lot of us think that way, don’t we?

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: Cause we’re looking for this relationship.

Eryn: Yes, so it was after going into relationships where they were exclusive, and it went from dating to relationship very quickly. And then they broke. I was so embarrassed, because I felt like I was a failure.

Elisa: Embarrassed is the word you choose. And can you describe that embarrassment a little more?

Eryn: I think that we view rela…exclusive relationships as if they break, then we’ve failed. We didn’t succeed.

Elisa: I relate to that in this relationship I described, the six-year one. I felt like I had gotten divorced when we broke up. Because it has been well, isn’t this supposed to end up in marriage? And it didn’t. So I guess I’m hearing what you’re saying about feeling like it failed…

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: …and embarrassed about that.

Eryn: It did. It felt like I failed. So then it didn’t make me want to get back into dating.

Elisa: Okay.

Eryn: Because I thought these didn’t succeed. And these broke my heart. So maybe dating is not for me. Maybe a relationship is not for me. But what I learned was that I need to redefine what dating is.

Elisa: Okay.

Eryn: And what my expectations are and why I’m pursuing going on these dates.

Elisa: And how did you do that?

Eryn: Well I dated Jesus for a while.

Elisa: What? Now wait. Now wait. I mean, I know, but…

Eryn: We hear that. I know it’s so “Christianese.”

Elisa: Well, I’m kind of intrigued by that. What did that look like, dating Jesus? Did you just date Him? Was it exclusive?

Eryn: It was exclusive. I asked Him on multiple dates. I made a choice to not accept any sort of invitation to go on dates, because I was pursuing dating out of a wounded place. And I was using those dates to fulfill something in me that is not sustainable. And so I wanted to go to the One that I knew is whole, can make me whole, can make me complete. And I had always heard that when I was in my younger days growing up in youth groups and you know, all of that. I always heard that, like date Jesus. He can only make you complete. He can only satisfy you. And I just thought it was cheesy. And I also didn’t think that it was real. I was like I don’t think I believe that. Like cause you…you have desires as a person for human connection. And can Jesus really complete me? Can the Lord really fulfill all the areas of intimacy that I desire and I long for that you find yourself experiencing with a person? And so dating Jesus, I joke about it, it was really becoming content with who I was by myself, knowing that I am complete, that I don’t need another person to complete me. It was learning how He saw me instead of how another person saw me, becoming more dependent on going to Him for my struggles, my fears, my anxieties, whatever I’m going through learning to go to Him as the source instead of another person. I mean we all need each other, but you know what I mean.

Elisa: I do.

Eryn: It’s like to me jokingly saying “dating Jesus.” So I went to the extreme and started becoming content with the way that I looked and how I dressed and just modified everything in my communication with guys even and not pursuing anything, just kind of shut it all down and made my relationship with God the only relationship I wanted to focus on.

Elisa: You sound so intentional, and I love it. And honestly, I forget some of the stuff in my own life, cause it is 4,000 years ago. But before I met Evan, before I walked into that library, I had dated a lot of different men in seminary for a year. And I sensed God telling me this really strange phrase, “separate thyself unto Me.” What? It sounds like King James. But I kept hearing that phrase. And it was a kind of a wooing apart from anybody else, just to Him. And I did that. And it was after that that, and this isn’t a formula, but…but it was after that that I did begin to meet Evan. But you know can you go into that? You know, how did you learn? How did you face the music that you were over-emphasizing dating as your goal? You were with God. You knew God. You were following after Him. But how did that pivot happen in you where you go, I gotta stop this. I feel Him wooing me just to be with Him?

Eryn: I think that there is an awareness that we’re scared to face. I think I was scared to face why I was really pursuing relationships. It kind of goes back to the embarrassment that maybe there’s shame attached to it too. I needed to become aware and bring it to the light what my motives were. So writing that down. I mean you know what we talk about all the time. I’m a journaler. I write everything down. If I don’t write it down, I type it out. I need to become really honest with my intentions for why I wanted to go on dates. When I shifted from dating a lot to fulfill needs inside of me that a person could not fulfill…

Elisa: Okay.

Eryn: …to then going to the Lord and asking Him to hold all of these things, these insecurities of mine, these voids that I have that I…I’m skeptical that He can fulfill but I want to see if He will, that was kind of my invitation.

Elisa: Yeah, that’s good.

Eryn: It was like, Lord, this is my invitation for You to try to fulfill these, cause I’m skeptical that You will, to then writing that down and giving it to Him. And I did that. You know I took a break of dating for a little over a year.

Elisa: A year?

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: A year, and you were like 32.

Eryn: I needed to purify my motives. I needed to purify my thought life…

Elisa: Okay.

Eryn: …because it was so messy because of what we see on social media and what we see and the pressures in the church and what we see. It was just all confusing.

Elisa: Yeah.

Eryn: I needed to quiet all of the noise. So when I did that, then I was like okay. If somebody asked me out on a date, I’m going to just enjoy that date, that one date, that person that wants to get to know me. What an honor it is to sit on the other side of a table and get to know another person that finds something interesting in me and finds something interesting in what we could or could not be. That’s an honor. That’s how I started walking with dating was walking into these rooms, these lunches, dinners, coffees, just getting to know somebody with no expectations. And that made it so much easier with the after work…

Elisa: Okay.

Eryn: …when you walk away…

Elisa: When you don’t want to see them again.

Eryn: …cause you don’t promise anything. You just promise wanting to get to know somebody. You don’t promise a future. You know cause I think that’s what we can do is we long to be promised a future.

Elisa: I met you around the time your year was completing. So you’d made this year-long commitment. So you had a time period on it, and you kept it. And then as you felt that completion of that commitment to date Jesus only, some guys…different men, came into your life. And I hear what you’re saying. Your goal of dating changed from being seen, being loved, being noticed, to just getting to know somebody.

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: And that freed you.

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: Okay. It’s very honoring to take that view, Eryn. So that when you sit down, it’s a human being you’re getting to know. He’s not an object. He’s not a goal. He’s not an achievement.

Eryn: Exactly, yes.

Elisa: Now bring us forward. What else have you learned?

Eryn: Oh, time is your friend. for me, I made a conscious choice. I want the person that I marry to be my best friend. And I want to allow time to develop that friendship. I think it’s easy to rush into assuming that somebody is your best friend because you’ve now decided to exclusively date. I still feel like there’s development that has to happen between two people for them to become your best friend. and so time sometimes is the thing that allows that, so…

Elisa: Okay, and keeping this goal of we’re going to be friends. You know. My goal is to be friends. If you end up being my best friend…

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: …I mean if I…if I look at my best friends, my girlfriends in my life…

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: …that has taken time.

Eryn: Yes, exactly.

Elisa: In life.

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: And experience.

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: So a similar principle there in dating.

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: Let’s date.

Eryn: Cause sometimes we you want to…when we…in the past when I’ve gotten into exclusive relationship, I’m like oh, we’re exclusive. Here’s all of my past. Here is everything that I’ve done. Here’s all of my hopes and dreams, and you get to carry them now.

Elisa: Wow. How’s that worked for you?

Eryn: Not good.

Elisa: And yet there comes a time when you have to take that risk.

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: By the way, I’ve done this.

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: By the way, I’ve had that.

Eryn: And by the way, these are some dreams I have. These are…these are hopes for the future that I desire, and time does that. I think when we respond out of urgency and desperation, we get desperate results. In dating, we can be desperate. But I think when you take your time in getting to know somebody and letting the relationship evolve and grow and…you start to develop a root system in the relationship. And then you start to see it grow. And then you start to recognize when you should talk about those things.

Elisa: Okay.

Eryn: Because you have a foundation and a root system.

Elisa: When we come back, Eryn will share some concerns and red flags in dating as well as talk about the importance of pursuing healing for past wounds. That’s coming up on God Hears Her.

Eryn: Hey y’all, God Hears Her recently celebrated its 100th episode. If you haven’t checked out the episode, you can find it on our website or anywhere you listen to your podcast. As part of the celebration, we also want to offer you a special limited edition God Hears Her tote filled with things that you’ll love including the three devotional books, God Hears Her, God Sees Her, and God Loves Her with pens and stickers and a notebook and other great goodies too. You want to get your hands on this ASAP. Check it out on our God Hears Her website. That’s godhearsher.org/shop. Again, that’s godhearsher.org/shop.

Elisa: What are some qualities that you think yeah, these are good signs? And what are some warning signs that, boy I better…I don’t want to, but I need to attend to this?

Eryn: Ooh. Control, so somebody that’s very controlling of your schedule. I mean see how they communicate with your friends, how they communicate with your family. To me it’s how they communicate with people in the service industry.

Elisa: Ooh.

Eryn: You don’t treat somebody in the service industry with respect, what’s their relationship like with their mom? How have they been able to tend to those wounds? Even if they don’t have a good relationship with their mom, cause that’s possible. How have they healed from that? What does is their relationship like with their dad? How have they healed from their relationship with their dad? Do they have any daddy issues? We all have daddy issues and mommy issues, right?

Elisa: Absolutely.

Eryn: So how have they tended to those wounds? How do they click with your friends, I think is a huge one. When you bring them, are you…are you nervous? Are you embarrassed? Are you excited? Do you see the dialogue? What’s the dialogue like between them? Are they trying to overcompensate? If they are overcompensating, define what overcompensating is.

Elisa: These are so good, and…and you’re so smart. It’s like you have almost a checklist to look at…to look at the relationship. I just want to pivot it just for a second.

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: Turn it around.

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: And how might we look at ourselves and what happens to us when we’re in relationship with them? You know when you first started about control, I thought boy that’s good.

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: But then I thought about where am I trying to control?

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: What do we need to look for in ourselves?

Eryn: Oh yes, I mean I had a lot of trust issues going into the dating world because of my past. So I was projecting what I experienced with another…with a past hurt of a relationship onto a new relationship as if the person that I’m dating now is going to be exactly like the person that hurt me in the past. And that was something that I had to work through.

Elisa: Okay.

Eryn: It was not fair for me to project my past and my baggage onto somebody that wants to get to know me, that’s curious about me and is interested in me and I’m like accusing them, right?

Elisa: Yeah.

Eryn: So there…so looking at that, looking at what are you projecting from your past [inaudible].

Elisa: And why?

Eryn: And why?

Elisa: And what are you concerned about?

Eryn: Right.

Elisa: What’s that coming up for you? Good. Okay.

Eryn: Right. Another one is I mean how much do you desire like compliments, and are you…

Elisa: Are you working for them?

Eryn: …just…are you working for them? If so, are you finding your worth in what that person says about you?

Elisa: That’s good, yeah.

Eryn: Another one would be how do you support their schedule as much as them supporting your schedule? Do they honor the work that you do? Or do they honor your family? If you’re a…if you’re a mom, like…

Elisa: Yeah.

Eryn: …do they honor your home life with your kids?

Elisa: Do you find yourself giving up pieces of yourself that they may not value in order to keep their attention? Do you quiet your voice because you’re not sure how they’ll evaluate you? Are you able to…

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: …bring all of you, or do you self-censor?

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: I think they’re so intangible, these elements that a lot of these things can really grow a relationship, but they can also stifle or run a relationship off, you know…

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: …the wrong way.

Eryn: Absolutely. Well, and too, I would say the one thing that I’ve learned is the difference between dating somebody that is secure in themselves and secure in their relationship with God is significantly different than somebody that’s insecure in themselves and insecure in their relationship with God. But it’s really hard I think sometimes. For me it was really hard to decipher between the two, because somebody that was insecure that I was dating puffed up their chest as if they were extremely confident. So then it made me feel insecure.

Elisa: Wow.

Eryn: And a secure, confident man empowers a secure and confident women, empowers them. Doesn’t…

Elisa: Vice versa.

Eryn: …make them question themselves and exactly, yeah, vice versa. I think my confidence and my security can empower the confidence and security that they have. It just amplifies it. Now when I say like a confident man and a secure man in God amplifies a secure woman and a secure woman in God in their confidence, what I mean is I think that we all have levels of insecurity. We all have…

Elisa: Absolutely.

Eryn: …we are all not confident in something in us. And what my experience has been is being with somebody that is confident and secure in their relationship with the Lord can sit with me in my insecurities and not make me feel like I am my insecurities.

Elisa: Yes.

Eryn: But also amplify what I am secure in.

Elisa: Yeah.

Eryn: And what I am confident in.

Elisa: It’s one of those places where we can test, does this have viability? You know how someone responds to our neediness, our woundings, our insecurities, as you put it, that reveals whether or not they will be a safe place, whether or not it’s good to risk vulnerability. Because you’re not gonna ever have real intimacy…

Eryn: Right.

Elisa: …without having true vulnerability.

Eryn: Right, absolutely, exactly. Well and I also think that you can, with my experience in dating right now, I am able to articulate what I’m insecure about and say this is a tender spot for me. And that is still really, like the fact that you can speak that, takes a lot of confidence. And so I think sometimes we forget how confident we really…we actually really are when we are able to…to bring that to light to another person and see how they hold it.

Elisa: I have a friend who’s around fifty. And she was married for 25 years, and her husband passed away a couple of years ago. And she has been so honest, powerfully so, about her grief with her kids. And you know she’s rounding the corner two and a half years into her healing, she’s beginning to lift her head and recognize a desire to wake up, she’ll call it, and what else is out there in this life for her. And I just really admire how much work she’s doing. It’s like she’s dating Jesus. It’s like she went back into that stage to heal and to…to redefine what she learned from her marriage, who is she now. And she actually took the time to write a letter to anybody who would be a potential person who might ask her out, this is what I want you to know about me.

Eryn: I love that.

Elisa: And she went through, you know, this is who I am. This is what I believe. This is how I act, and I’m not going to compromise, and I’m strong and yet I want to be tender, just this wonderful mish-mash of who she is. She just very graciously allowed me to read it. And I came away just knowing her and valuing her and really respecting how she had done her work and she knew what she wanted and didn’t want.

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: And I…do you think that’s a healthy exercise? Maybe we’d recommend to anybody, you know, who’s thinking I think I might want to date again or now or whatever.

Eryn: Absolutely.

Elisa: That kind of an exercise.

Eryn: I love that. When you create who you are, your standards, what you desire, not cause it’s…it’s different than a checklist where you’re like, they have to fill all these boxes in. But if you actually write out your values and who you are and then what you desire in a person, you won’t be swayed by whether you have a tendency to people please. You won’t be swayed by the fear of rejecting somebody and hurting their feelings. Because you have like a roadmap to go back to.

Elisa: Clear, yeah.

Eryn: And…and then you won’t find yourself in a circumstance that you’re like how did I get into this relationship?

Elisa: Confused and giving confusing signals out.

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: Cause that’s not fair either.

Eryn: Cause that’s hurtful for both people. It’s hurtful for yourself cause you’re like how did I do…how did I get myself in this? Then it’s hurtful for the person that’s the recipient because they feel mystified almost or hoodwinked.

Elisa: Yeah, duped. Yeah.

Eryn: Duped.

Elisa: What would you say to the woman who desperately wants to date but maybe doesn’t have the opportunity besides date Jesus? It’s Saturday night. She knows Jesus is there. She knows, but she’d really like to go on a date.

Eryn: I would encourage them to become content if they still are finding their hope in a person.

Elisa: A man?

Eryn: A man.

Elisa: Yeah, a potential partner in life.

Eryn: Then that’s still something you still haven’t actually really surrendered your dating life to God.

Elisa: So really embrace that need. It’s real. It’s human. It’s understandable. Nobody’s fooled by it.

Eryn: Grieve. Grieve it.

Elisa: There’s nothing wrong with it.

Eryn: There’s nothing wrong with lamenting the desire to be with somebody, and you’re not.

Elisa: Yeah.

Eryn: But I do think that it goes back to where are you putting your hope in? I mean being divorced and thinking that there is ever a chance, especially with the divorce rate for second marriages being significantly higher than the first marriages. And then, you know, I have baggage and wounds. And…and then failed relationships and…and then being lonely and only attracting a certain type of guy that I don’t want to be in a relationship with. And why do I do that? And then learning how to be by myself and not really liking that still. Like kind of liking it but then not. Like that was really hard for me. But what I learned was that, if I’m only dreaming of being in a relationship, I’m not dreaming big enough for what God has planned for me. And I used to hate it when people would tell me stuff like that. But I really do believe it now, because I think I’ve had to walk that journey of being by myself and being on a Saturday night where all of my friends have somebody to cuddle them at night and help them do the dishes and help them with paying the bills and checklists. And they have all…they a have a helpmate. And I am feeling completely alone doing it all by myself. But I had to come to a place where I know that God has something so much bigger than what I’m dreaming right now for my life.

Elisa: Thank you for being so honest, even though some people might think that was kind of harsh. But I love that you were that honest. Because we need to be held accountable to where we’re trying to grow or we’re not gonna grow, right? But I know you, and I know some of your Saturday nights even dating Jesus. You haven’t sat at home. You put on something pretty. You put red lipstick on, and you get your girlfriend.

Eryn: Yeah.

Elisa: And you go out. You’ve made a special effort to allow that part of you that you’re holding in sabbatical, that you’re holding in like just precious to Jesus’ heart. You’ve made a special effort to let that women still play as a woman.

Eryn: Yes.

Elisa: Talk about that just a little bit.

Eryn: Oh, I know. I’ll reflect back to those moments when I, and I still think you can do that when you are married. But it’s just…it does look different. But making my girlfriends priority and being present in their life when I was in that sea…season of singleness and dating was so special. I created a foundation with friends that I wouldn’t normally be able to do. But the play part, I think it’s so important to tap into your femininity that way. And that was something that I wanted to do. I want to tap into my femininity. I want to get dressed up, not for attention, but because I enjoy pretty dresses. And I enjoy going on Pinterest and looking at cute outfits and how to braid my hair differently. I am a girly girl.

Elisa: Yeah, you are.

Eryn: So I think that they’re…when you start to do that, you find enjoyment in that. And that’s an experience that you can have that doesn’t require being in relationship with somebody.

Eryn: Dating is hard, but thankfully, we have a God who is with us always. Our relationship with Jesus can fill us and heal us enough so we can be in healthy relationships with others.

Elisa: Yes, Eryn. Well before we close out today’s episode of God Hears Her, we want to remind you that the show notes are available in the podcast description. There are also links to connect with Eryn and me on social. So check out the show notes, or visit our website at godhearsher.org. That’s godhearsher.org.

Eryn: Thank you for joining us. And don’t forget. God hears you. He sees you. And He loves you because you are His.

Elisa: Today’s episode was engineered by Anne Stevens and produced by Mary Jo Clark, Daniel Ryan Day, and Jade Gustafson [sounded like Jade Gustman].

We also want to recognize Josh and JR for all their hard work. You’re the best.

Eryn: God Hears Her is a production of Our Daily Bread Ministries.