It’s been almost nine months since my husband, Alan, passed away suddenly while, thankfully, doing something he enjoyed—working on the lawn. When I think about that day, the pain still can hit me like a wave—or a slap—and the tears flow. I didn’t get to say goodbye. And I wonder if he would still be here if I’d been home—or if I’d insisted he eat better, or if . . . (Futile thinking, but still it comes.)
I know God never intended that we should die. But, because of sin, death is inevitable (Romans 5:12). God knows when that day will come for each of us: “A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed” (Job 14:5). It was Alan’s time. But I don’t like it. I wanted more months, years, with him.
And yet . . . he’s now with Jesus. In his Savior’s glorious presence. A place of no more tears or pain (Revelation 21:4). A place I can’t fathom and can only imagine. Alan’s self-doubts, hurt, fears, and questions are no more. He’s joyfully reunited with saved loved ones: his parents, my parents, his mentor who died at forty from cancer, and so many others. And I picture him rejoicing with those he never met but longed to, people like C. S. Lewis and D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones. Best and most important of all, he’s with his Lord. With Jesus.
I don’t and wouldn’t want Alan, or anyone who’s experiencing the joy of heaven, to leave that wonderful place just to ease my loneliness. And I’m so glad he didn’t have a long or difficult recovery in the hospital. (He would have hated that.) Still, I miss him. I miss his love of puns and our funny and often deep conversation, his intelligence and creativity, our drives in the country and walks in the woods, and just having someone around to be with or to enjoy the quiet. Someone who understood and knew me better than anyone else. I even miss his crankiness!
But God helps me to press on. He’s blessed me with strength and comfort—and even joy. He’s given me family and friends and a church family who love me. And I have a multitude of activities to fill my time: writing, reading, attending committee and other meetings, gardening, yard work, and Bible studies. I have friends to share a lunch or a walk, attentive children who also miss their dad (and invite me on their vacations), and ten grandchildren who fill my life with laughter and, often, craziness.
One day, my days too will be numbered. That will be the day when I meet Jesus face-to-face. And it will be the day when I’m reunited with Alan and other loved ones. I look forward to and long for that moment. Yet, like the apostle Paul, I’m torn between departing and being with Christ or continuing life here (Philippians 1:22-24).
For now, I try to live out the plans God still has for me and to love the people He’s placed in my life. Each day is a little easier and less painful than the last.
–Written by Alyson Kieda. Used by permission from the author.
7 Responses
Lord, let YOUR will be done. Thank you Alyson for these words!
To: Alyson Kieda and Everyone that have shared their experiences as they Journey through Greif.
Rather your losses are Beloved Family Members or Pets the pain is real.
Don’t let anyone tell you how long your grieving process will take it’s each of your individual journeys.
"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you his peace at all times and in every situation. The Lord be with you all ".
Minister L. Artis
Thank you for sharing ,so encouraging.
It’s a week now I lost my aunt who suffered a stroke. She was an unbeliever. I felt so much pain, disappointment on hearing of her passing away.
The day of her funeral was difficult as I assisted my cousins dress her up at the funeral parlor.
I later learnt that day from one of our Pastor’s who visited my aunt at the hospital that he led her to the Lord.she said the sinners prayer and accepted Jesus Christ as her lord and Saviour.
This was so comforting for me.Even though my aunt had a Hindu funeral and all the rituals done deep within me I knew she was in the presence of God.
Yes Psalms 90:12
This is my prayer today and every day. I know one day I will be reunited with my loved ones.
The Lord richly bless you.
Thank you for the encouragement
In His Love and Mine
Ranjinee Ramiah
Even with the knowledge that our days are numbered, it is very difficult to accept the reality that those we love are no longer with us. Thank you for sharing your story. May God continue to bless you and your family.
I lost my husband over two years ago and the grief still hits really hard some days. We were together 45 years, 4 months, and 7 days. No matter how long, it would never be enough. He was truly my best friend. I was his caregiver through many health challenges over the course of nine years. Watching his decline and feeling helpless.was.just awful. And yes, the what ifs are really hard! I say that this grief is the closest thing to hell, I will ever experience. It has given me a new perspective. If it hurts so much to lose someone, even though we know it is a temporary separation, facing eternal separation from God who is the source of all love is truly unimaginable. But God is faithful and He’s with us even when we don’t feel Him. The pain is there, but so are God’s comfort and peace. GriefShare really helped me, both in understanding my grief, and in building a supportive community of friends who truly understand. May God bless you in your grief journey.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is just what I needed. Tomorrow will be four years since my husband went home to be with Jesus, and I don’t do it as often now, but steel into four years I still ask myself what if what if. This came just at the right time for me ❤️
Thank you, for sharing The Lost of Your Best Friend, Husband and Soulmate.
I lost my Precious Parish Sacred Heart two weeks ago, (Our Beloved Four Leg Family Member of 14 Years) I found him under the handicap ramp at my church. I lost my husband Harvey twenty three years ago. It’s very hard for me and my family to move forward, But God’s Love for all of us, reminds me, we are here for a Season. I still find it very hard to open my blinds in the den or even go in the backyard at this time. I know my Heart hurts very much and understanding and accepting Our Lost is a process and will take time.
People can be very cruel and make remarks "Oh its just a dog". Our Parish Sacred Heart was more than a dog, Parish was a true Peacemaker and consoled, so many even me and my daughter. He was diagnosed as a diabetic in May of this year, hurt both his leg and the entire summer and early fall, I had to take very care of him after they put him on insulin.
I’m so blessed to be a witness to your testimony, it was the uplift I needed today.
Thank you for sharing!
God Blessing to your Ministry!
Joyce (Joyful)
Detroit MI