Perfect Love

Fear is a faithless friend, one I have known all too well. Some days it is nothing more than a twinge of concern that lingers a little longer than needed.

Fear is a faithless friend, one I have known all too well. Some days it is nothing more than a twinge of concern that lingers a little longer than needed. Other days, I have found myself in a full-blown battle. Hot panic whips through my mind at the slightest provocation, and I find myself working through every imaginable what if in order to restore a sense of safety and control in light of whatever circumstances life has brought my way. 

I don’t want to be afraid.

I know I don’t need to be afraid.

I can’t help being afraid.

The thoughts swirl like a windstorm inside my brain. 

I didn’t realize just how much we are wired for self-protection, even with involuntary responses, until I went to have an MRI for a knee injury several years ago. I had just settled myself on the movable bed of the large MRI machine when the technician handed me a pair of headphones and asked me my music preference. With only five options, I chose the one I disliked the least and tried to make myself as comfortable as possible on the hard table.

The room was cold and the lights were too bright, but seeing that I was just having imaging done on my knee, initially I wasn’t too unsettled. I put the headphones over my ears, closed my eyes, and readied myself for the loud noise the technician told me I would hear. The humming gaining in speed and volume, the table began to move forward with small, jerking movement into the machine. My eyes popped open. I looked down the length of my body, watching as the large round frame of the MRI tunnel covered my body.

Then, it happened.

Waving my hands back and forth above my head, I shouted, “Hey! Hey!” I wasn’t just lightly signally, casually waving, or sending a high five. I was swinging my arms fully stretched to their length from one side to the other. I was determined to be seen.

“Yes?” The voice of the technician calmly came over the intercom.

“How much further are you going to put me in?” I could feel the panic in my voice, even as I tried in vain to sound more relaxed than I felt. Surely, the technician and I could talk this out and find a more comfortable setting, one that didn’t involve me going in any further than I already was. I wanted to decide. I needed to choose. 

Eventually, I settled back on the bed, closed my eyes, and prayed my way through the remainder of the MRI. That day, however, uncovered another layer of my long battle with fear: I wasn’t going to win the battle by convincing myself not to be afraid.

I didn’t expect to be fearful. I wasn’t afraid of elevators, I don’t mind flying in planes, and I can generally handle tight spaces though I don’t love them. Even in that moment, I knew I could get off the movable bed if I needed to. I wasn’t strapped in. It wasn’t like my whole body had to be in the machine. But try as I might, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was becoming more and more trapped. 

Only the presence of Christ could change me. 

But therein was part of the problem. I had to stop blaming myself. Over time, I have learned how to trust the work of the Holy Spirit in my life, to hear the assurances of God that He is near. Fear still comes, but it doesn’t get to stay. 

Years ago I would face any battle with fear by rehearsing these words over and over: Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed upon You (Isaiah 26:3). Then with every bit of willpower I could muster, I would repeatedly try to keep my mind from gravitating toward thoughts that fed the fear. And over and over, I would get exhausted. 

I wish I could remember the day, the conversation I had with the Lord, but I don’t. I just know that somewhere in there, I realized that I had been quoting only part of the scripture. What I had been missing in the scripture was the root of what I was missing in my struggle with fear: I didn’t trust God.

I wanted to trust Him.

I knew I should trust Him.

But I had to stop punishing myself in order to learn how to do so. I had to learn how to be okay with the process, and I had to let God love me where I was at in my struggle, instead of expecting Him to love me when I arrived where I wanted to be.

Trust and love are inextricable (1 John 4:18). While my fears may be irrational at times, it is just as irrational to expect myself to be perfect in order to be able to approach God for what I need. I am loved, and because I am loved, I can find the kind of peace that comes from knowing He can be trusted (Isaiah 26:3).

In the wise words of one of my students, “I am not where I want to be, but I’m not where I used to be.” With every victory has come a greater understanding of the faithfulness of God. Now, when fear creeps at the corners of life, hedges its bet against God’s goodness with a flank attack, or brazenly rushes in full frontal attack with the greatest of uncertainties, I have learned these truths:

Life will continue to give me reason to feel vulnerable, and in my humanity, I will be tempted to self-protect. Fear, however, will never be a trusted counselor, and control will never keep me safe. Only God can send the peace that defies circumstances. Only He will ever be enough. Only perfect love can conquer fear.

—Written by Regina Franklin. Used by permission from the author.

7 Responses

  1. Thank you, Regina. I needed your words and to be reminded that God can handle my fear and loves me even still. I need Him so much!

  2. Thank you so very much for the reminder that we don’t have to live in fear. God is always there for us.

  3. I needed this story, thank you so much for sharing. I had this same experience with getting an MRI from my unstable pelvis fracture and I was terrified to do it. It’s like I would pray and say I trust God, but then I take it right back. It made me realize that I don’t trust God and I think I have to have control. Although I know God already knows everything before it happens to us.
    I am learning to trust in God and fully give it to him. It’s a work in process but this story inspired me that change is possible.

  4. Good words of wisdom, and so necessary since I imagine most of us are constantly faced with worry on a daily basis. Thanks for letting us in on your vulnerability, and the ways you handle it.

  5. This is so very true!!!! I have faced many fears. I have been living with chronic illness since I was 26 years old—Lupus and much organ damage—A RN disabled at age 37. Very hard!!! My husband who was very abusive was gone and I had 2 boys to raise—that is enough to scare you!!! My parents helped so very much. They were very strong Christians!!! How thankful I am!!! At 35 the Lupus killed my GI Tract. Horrid things happened that I had no control over!!! What I could always do though was to look back on God’s faithfulness!!! I am 63 now and there has never been a need that God has not met—this is my reassurance that He is so personal and loving. So whenever a new problem comes up—and there has been so many–I just look back upon His faithfulness and take a deep breath, knowing He will provide!!! I am very ill now and not a surgical candidate–I desperately need surgery, but my aorta is calcified close to my heart and my entire vascular system is in bad shape–no surgeon will touch me. Last week I had to go on Hospice Care–a whole new area to me. God has me at complete peace—I know His faithfulness and feel Holiness around me!!! I am so thankful for all the years of knowing how faithful He is!!!!

  6. Your post was a meant to be for me….

    I had an out-patient procedure done at the hospital today, under general anesthesia. It was successful, and I am fine. However, in the two weeks preceding my procedure, I was grappling with fear. I prayed about it, read scripture, but it was still there, lurking.
    Gods was doing His best to calm me, and I did feel His peace, but fear was doing its best to interfere. While waiting for my surgery, I could feel my fears taking hold again. I looked up, and said, Faith over fear, and even though I was nervous, those words resonated with me. I knew God heard me, and I knew he was there to watch over me. Faith over fear has become manta if you will. God hears me, and I am so grateful He does.

    Funny, I just read your post now, hours after my surgery. It just blew my mind. God saved it for me to find…showing me, reminding me of his constant presence.

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