What About Her?

Understatement warning! Stepmothering is hard. Not only are we the queens of accommodation and adjusting, but we do so while battling very difficult emotions. I certainly wrestled with a few early in my stepmom journey. Especially those brought on by comparison, like envy and jealousy. Comparison is an ugly habit I learned early in life. 

I had a childhood friend to whom I compared everything about myself. My grades were good; hers were better. I had friends; she had more. I could skate; she performed pirouettes on wheels. You get the picture. To keep myself from feeling inadequate, I withheld my thoughts and feelings, hiding behind embellishments and lies. Envy grew in my heart until the label “Not Good Enough” cemented itself on my soul. After years of reading, believing, and teaching God’s Word, I thought I had won that battle. Then I became a stepmom.  

While my new family navigated common stepfamily dynamics like loyalty conflicts, ambiguity of roles, and mismanaged expectations, I found myself envious of my husband’s former spouse. Not envious of her as a person, but of the security of knowing where you stand and the ease of it all for her—not being expected to happily accept second-rate status in your own home, not having your efforts second-guessed.

The Problem with Living Green

Living environmentally green is responsible, neighborly, and mature. Living emotionally green, however, is both painful and costly. The enemy uses envy and jealousy to trap God’s beloved children in cycles of vain, destructive behaviors.

We read in Proverbs 27:4: “Anger is cruel and fury is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?” Fury and animosity are rancorous, brutal, and potent, yet we can remain steady against them. But jealousy’s vise-like grip presses us to rebel against the peace and wholeness we have access to through Jesus. Envy is such an anathema to the health of our souls that we are called to make every effort to rid ourselves of this sinful habit. (1 Peter 2:1). Jealousy and envy are listed in Galatians as acts of the sinful flesh (5:19-21). They bulldoze us to compete, compare, and make enemies of people meant to bless our lives. Jealousy and envy also:

• Impede our ability to overcome evil: “Where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice” (James 3:16 ESV).

• Keep us from growing in Christ: “You are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way?” (1 Corinthians 3:3 ESV).

• Hamper unity, contentment, and thankfulness: “You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions” (James 4:2-3 ESV).

• Infect our hearts, eating us from the inside out: “Envy makes the bone rot” (Proverbs 14:30 ESV).

• Indicate we lack God’s love: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant” (1 Corinthians 13:4 ESV).

Jealousy and envy keep us focused on self, while tearing down our sense of worth. There’s no room for them in the life of a Christ-following woman, loved by God—no matter what role she has in life.

So, what’s a girl to do?

Giving It Over

During one of the pivotal conversations Jesus had with His disciples after His crucifixion and resurrection, Jesus told Peter he too would die a martyr’s death. Peter’s response was to ask Jesus about John: “What about him?” (John 21:21). In the early years of my stepmom journey, I often asked that question. When God impressed upon my heart to approach my family members with humility, I initially responded with, “What about her?” I did the same when impressed to extend invitations and welcome. Inevitably, Jesus’ admonition to Peter in John 21:22 would bubble up in my heart and He reminded me: “It’s none of your business what I do with her. You follow Me.”

Rightly chastened, I took steps to rid myself of rebellion, which masqueraded as jealousy. Perhaps the steps I took to overcome my struggles will help you overcome yours:

1. Repentance: I repented for telling God through my attitude and actions that His plans and provision for my life weren’t enough.

2. Gratefulness: Every day I looked for something for which to be thankful.  My family had a tension-free evening? It went into my gratitude journal. My bonus children said, “Thank you”? I wrote it down. The first time my daughter called my spouse “Dad,” I may have danced a jig. Eventually, gratitude silenced jealousy and envy.

3. Honestly questioning my motives: I asked myself how having what I thought the bio-mom had would glorify God in my life. Had I gotten what I wanted, I would have missed the opportunity for growing in Christlikeness.

4. Intercession: I began praying for the bio-mom.  I couldn’t sincerely pray for her while envying some aspect of her life.

5. Discernment: Some of the good desires I had were from the Lord. I learned to distinguish which were from Him and which were rooted in my ego. Thse good desires I gave over to God to work out in His timing. Desires which were rooted in my ego, I gave to God to work out of me.  

6. Refocusing: Focusing on Christ and His purpose does two things. First, the more time we spend with our gazes fixed on Him, the more like Him we become (2 Corinthians 3:17-18). Second, we have enough business of our own to mind. Focusing on His purpose for me kept me so busy in my own life I had little time for comparison (1 Thessalonians 4:11-12).

What Matters Most?

Very few of us are immune to jealousy and envy. Later in life, I discovered my childhood friend was jealous of me as well. I had relationships and attributes she wished were hers. I also discovered it wasn’t as easy for the bio-mom of my bonus children as I had assumed. She had her own adjusting, questioning, and concerns to work through. 

By far, the best discovery was that—with jealousy and envy removed—it became easier to be faithful to God’s calling for my life. As I endeavored to love and know Him, He empowered me to love others beyond my human frailties. I found that what I treasure and value most was at the root of what I thought was missing. The Lord is our portion and our cup of blessing, and He’s more than enough for you and me (see Psalm 16:5).

If you wrestle with jealousy and envy, please cry out to God for help. Our compassionate Father will answer. He’ll rescue you from the snare. He’ll set you free from these enemies and honor your trust in His goodness.

–Written by Cheryl Shumake. Used by permission from the author.